What Am I Doing?

There was a bit of a setback on Thursday. I was frightened by something that shouldn't have scared me at all. The event caused a myriad of questions to bombard my mind just when I thought I was getting some firm footing. Now I feel as though I've had one foot knocked out from under me.

On Friday the happening was discussed and resolved. Still, the self-doubt lingers. Have you ever wanted something so badly you almost ached for it? Now take that ache and couple it with the knowledge that you are not ready for the thing you want, even though it is just sitting out there like the perfect flower waiting for you to pick it.

It would be much easier if I were the only person bearing the consequences of my actions. If I were the only person in pain.

Since when is life easy?

I'm going to eat some chocolate now.

Party Favors

Shannon and Shepard's party was last night. The turnout was dismal. They understand that if they'd planned a costume party at a different time of year more people probably would have participated. I'm not taking sides, but I can understand their disappointment. They worked hard and prepared a lot of food only to have it go to waste. It would probably make me sad, too.

Anyway, I took a few pictures. Silly me had the camera on the wrong setting so some of the pictures turned out blurry. Julie was kind enough to take the ones of Andy and me.

Andy and I did a 50's thing. You can't see it in the (fuzzy) pictures, but he had his jeans rolled up and was wearing white socks & loafers. The cigarette box in his shirt sleeve is slightly visible. I had big hair, blue eyeshadow, red lips - trying for the "Pink Lady" look. Ah, well. We all do the best we can!

Here's Shannon as a flashdancy Ms. 80's. Shepard is a modestly dressed Courtney Love. I decided to keep some of the red eye in Shepard's picture. After drinking all that Jack, you'd have red eyes, too! (That was a joke, people!)

Note: Blogger is having picture uploading issues right now so I'll go ahead and post this. There will be a continuation!

Let's Get Small

It is a good thing that I am so small...God is so great ~ greater than I could ever hope or want to be. If i were "great" or large, it would leave no room in my heart and life for God to be large. It is a good thing I am so small....

How great is our God
Sing with me
How great is our God
And all will see
How great, how great is our God.
Name above all names
Worthy of all praise
My heart will sing
How great is our God

This is for Ben

Ben suggested his readers take these quizzes. Here are the results:

Your Blogging Type is Artistic and Passionate

You see your blog as the ultimate personal expression - and work hard to make it great. One moment you may be working on a new dramatic design for your blog... And the next, you're passionately writing about your pet causes. Your blog is very important - and you're careful about who you share it with.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Yeah, probably!

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated. At work and school, you do best when you're organizing. When you love someone, you tend to worry about them. In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic. Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management. You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

The Birth Order Predictor

We won't mention the fact that I am the youngest of three children!

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent. Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

What's Your Ideal Career?

We also will not mention that I really like my job - bookkeeper, payroll, secretary!

Something to Twist Your Noodle...

(Twisted Noodles)

Trust in the LORD and do good; Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it. Psalm 37:3-5 (nasb)

O LORD, in Your strength the king will be glad, And in Your salvation how greatly he will rejoice! You have given him his heart's desire, And You have not withheld the request of his lips. Selah. Psalm 21:1-3 nasb

Now, Psalm 37:3-5 from The Message:

Get insurance with God and do a good deed,
settle down and stick to your last.
Keep company with God, get in on the best.
Open up before God, keep nothing back; He'll do whatever needs to be done:
He'll validate your life in the clear light of day
and stamp you with approval at high noon.

Interesting. Get insurance with God (by) doing a good deed. Keep company with Him, open up to Him, and He will validate your life.

I can't help but wonder...Since we are created by Him and for Him, He is the One who places the desires in our hearts, yes?

The ultimate heart's desire of every person is to find God. (Not that He has ever been lost.) Most people do not know the Creator is the Thing they seek. People just roam through their lives searching for that just-out-of-reach elusive something that will bring them fulfillment.

I am starting to believe the ultimate God-placed desire of our hearts is Him. Knowing Him and having faith that He is Who He says He is and will always be the perfect Father.

We often think the desire of our heart is a goal or a thing. I wonder if we are too shallow in our thinking. He is the desire of our hearts, whether we accept that or not. The rest is, as they say, gravy.

Just Thinking...

My ISP has been upsetting me lately. If I'm blessed by the cybergods, I will be able to post these few thoughts. Please forgive the missing trademark pictures - impossible right now with my (lack of) bandwidth.

I have seen a lot of golden retrievers this week. One did a fine job barking while keeping the stuffy firmly clamped in her mouth. Her name is "Daisy" and she's a doll. The other one was a large fluffy male I saw at Freeboot Friday last night. He saw my reaction - instantly down at eye level with him and my hands outstretched. He gave me a few seconds of his time though he was obviously very loyal to his human. That is as it should be.

I miss Rush. It has been three weeks already. Did I ever mention the vet's office sent us a sympathy card? That was just the sweetest thing to do.

When I first brought Aslan home a good friend of mine told me God would use the cat to show me some things. He then used our standard disclaimer. Those must be included because we are imperfect humans. Anyway, my friend was right. Yesterday I realized Aslan probably saved my emotional life. When I moved into my own place, the only emotions I seemed capable of feeling were negative ones. You name them, I had them. Anger, bitterness, resentment, self-loathing, guilt....(did I miss any?) After 5 weeks on my own I brought Aslan home. He has shown me that I can love - and deserve to be loved. That I am trustworthy and deserve to be trusted. That I am reliable, caring, compassionate, and fun - and deserve to receive those things as well.

It may be difficult for you to understand the depth of my feeling for this silly feline. It seems strange to me, too. All I know is when I brought Aslan home, I started a relationship. That relationsip had a clean slate. No mistakes, no disappointments, no past issues with which to deal.

I know we get a clean slate with Christ every morning and more if we ask for it, but our past experiences often block our minds and hearts and we cannot fully receive it. I haven't been the perfect "parent" to Aslan, but he still treats me as if I were. God does that, too. We aren't perfect children. More often than not, we blow it big time. Still, God treats us as though we deserve everything good in this world and the one to come.

We should treat each other that way, too.

Being Alone

Mason said:

I am beginning to understand the meaning of being alone, and how it relates to life. It isn't so much a pain but a necessity for me at this point.

I have chosen a path filled with loneliness. This is part of my life, and may be or become part of yours. Being alone is a good way to understand yourself and to understand life.

When there is no one around to distract your mind, you begin to see it more clearly. Things that were originally out of focus and even distance [sic] now become very intimate and clear. This intimate feeling has brought back the desire to get back with my photography...

I do not know if I fully understand what Mason is saying as it applies to him, but I can apply it to my own situation. His thought that being alone is a good way to understand yourself is definitely an accurate statement. Let's face it: no matter where you go, there you are. I have come to believe a person must understand themselves before they can comprehend how and where to fit into life, to include fitting into the lives of others.

Spending time alone helps a person analyze their thought processes. It is a good way to peel away the distractions and outside interferences in order to get to the core of your being; your motives, your emotions, your true desires. We are far too easily influenced by the outside world. The outside world, whether in the form of media, people, or life situations, is far too loud. Sometimes seeking solitude is best so we can hear the quiet voice inside. Yes, I am referring to His still small voice, but we also need to hear our own voices.

In being able to hear our own voice, we begin to think more clearly. In my opinion, Mason is correct in his thought that blurry and distant realities become plain when one spends time alone.

I used to fear being alone or feeling lonely. I have experienced loneliness over the past three months and while I would not want a life filled with it, I have seen its advantages. Because of the position in which I have placed myself, I come to terms with being alone and realize my need for solitude. Once upon a time I believed needing solitude was selfish. Now I know it is necessary. It makes me a better person. I am better able to handle day-to-day stresses. I become more patient and surprisingly enough, better able to express my deepest feelings.

One more thing: just as Mason has the desire to begin taking pictures again, I have also felt the stirring to start using my hands in a creative manner. Obviously, writing has been my creative outlet during the past several months. And while I am not a gifted painter or photographer like Shannon, I am fairly skilled with a crochet hook, knitting needles, and other such tools. I see myself picking them up again one day soon. That thought causes a buzz of excitement to course through me.

Mason is another young man whose wisdom surpasses most who are his age. I have not been able to spend much time with him, but he has never failed impresses me with his art or his words.

More About You

Young’s book is a “Journey to the Center of Your Worth.” In the latter parts of the first chapter he uses a treadmill analogy in order to drive home the point that ‘as long as we search for the answer outside of God and by relying on ourselves, we will never truly satisfy our hunger for self-worth.' He believes people get on certain treadmills in an attempt to answer the question that was posed earlier: Do I matter?

As a side note, anything in italics is a direct quote from the book. All others are independent thoughts or paraphrased bits and pieces. I will try to make my language clear so you will be able to tell the difference between the paraphrasing and original thoughts.

Here’s a brief run-down of the different treadmills:

Style – The thought that if we can focus on our style and dedicate our energy to our appearance, we will gain the dignity, value, and affirmation we crave. Herein is brought the Scripture from Proverbs 31:30 (the virtuous woman!)“Charm can be deceptive and beauty doesn’t last.” Young states that many people in our vanity-driven culture are looking in the wrong mirror – the mirror on the wall – for their self-esteem and they consistently fall short in their search. If people base their worth solely on style and appearance, they are setting themselves up for insecurity because style & appearance are finite and fleeting. Not that people are to neglect their appearance. As temples of the Holy Spirit, Young believes human beings should treat their bodies with care and respect. But if appearance becomes the focus instead of spending time with God and serving Him, people get nowhere in their search for self-worth.

As a skinny, wild-haired, opinionated child, I often bore the brunt of brutal teasing. This teasing made me overly sensitive to my appearance and personality. I still struggle with the impact that teasing had on me. I know I am not alone in this! Everyone gets teased about something. Still, shouldn’t we look to God rather than imperfect people for the definition of who and why we are?

Status – Some people are convinced that status will bring the answer to the “Do I matter?” question in their lives. Again, Young pulls out Proverbs: “Confidence placed in riches comes to nothing.” (11:7) Still, we often think, “If I can make a little more money, have that car, wear those clothes, live in that house…then I’ll feel good about myself. Then I will have arrived." Consider the people we’ve chosen as our role models and heroes today. Eager kids and adults follow the lives of professional athletes, pop singers, and movie stars and try to emulate them. Strangely enough, many of our "heroes" have come to the realization that self-worth cannot be bought.

Success – Temporal things don’t matter to God, and they shouldn’t matter to us, either. Temporal things should not matter to us but they do matter to us, don’t they? They shouldn't, but they do. We often work ourselves too hard in order to achieve a certain level of success in whatever area of our lives we consider important. Too many times this hard work comes at the expense of loved ones. It just isn’t worth the price we force others to pay! I’ve been so guilty of this. So many times, Young says, our goals are centered on other people’s thoughts about us rather than what God thinks. Luke 16:15: The things that are considered of great value by people are worth nothing in God’s sight. Success is just a Band-Aid we apply to cover a deep, gaping wound – the hole that is our need for something beyond what this world has to offer.

Have you ever felt like you had everything you could possibly want but found yourself unhappy? Welcome to the club! We spend so much time slapping on those Band-Aids and filling our minds, lives, and houses with STUFF that we push God right out of the picture. Shame on us! We can do better my friends.

Thoughts from the second chapter will be posted soon. All Scripture notations were taken from the book and are the GNT.

Little Reminders

It is so easy to forget the important things! Maybe it is because when it comes to the things of God there isn't much that is tangible. God is not an "in your face" kind of Guy unless we ask Him to be.

This morning while driving to work I realized that as we tap into the love of God; meaning we accept His love for us and allow ourselves to love Him, it is easier to love others. It is through Him and His love that we experience what love truly is, anyway.

On the opposite side of that coin, if we walk away from the love of God we find our positive emotions shutting down. It is harder to love, harder to forgive, harder to be patient, harder to show mercy and be compassionate. Consequently, we begin to feel more negatively about ourselves and everyone else to include God.

Why do we continue to struggle with this? Why do we keep forgetting? Love God so you can love yourself. Love Him so you can love others the way you should. I'm going to try to get better at it.

Frustration...and Peace

It is said a picture is worth a thousand words. Therefore, I thought I should spare you the words and show you a picture. I apologize for the lack of focus on this screenshot - clarity is sometimes lost in resizing. Now, imagine if you will 1.0Mbps for your internet connection. It is frustrating to say the least. Numerous emails have gone unanswered and I fear I will have to switch ISPs soon. Before this paragraph reaches a thousand words, I shall move on to the next topic:

Peace. I mentioned in a previous post that I am reading 2 devotionals. Imagine my surprise when one of them corresponded with my experience this past Sunday. Here is an excerpt (paraphrased):

"It is difficult to comprehend the love of God. Paul was hard-pressed to describe it, but he prayed that his readers would be able somehow to grasp the 'width and length and depth and height-to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge' (Eph 3:18). The reason we can never reach the depths of God's love is that it is infinite-beyond measure. If you ever feel alone and unloved, that you've sunk to the depths of dark despair, think about Ephesians 3:18. God's love for you is deeper than the Mariana Trench (the deepest spot in the ocean)."

'I have a Friend whose faithful love

Is more than all the world to me;

It's higher than the heights above,

And deeper than the boundless sea.'
~Anon

Juggling

To be perfectly honest, I am not used to being in demand. My children are (obviously) no longer young and therefore do not take up my time the way they used to. It is not that I regret their growing up, but I am not accustomed to being on people's "list" when it comes to social gatherings. Being wanted is new and nice but I've started feeling like I'm juggling my days!

Between work, Andy, the little time Pat and Shannon want, and the social opportunites that keep presenting themselves, I have become one busy lady. "The Girls" at work meet every Friday afternoon at a local watering hole. It is a great chance to let off steam from the workplace so that it doesn't haunt the rest of the weekend. I've been twice-after turning down six invites-and have decided I want to make what has become known as "The Appointment" a regular occurance for me.

Perhaps I am exaggerating. I'm uncertain. Take a look at my schedule for the next two weeks or so and tell me: Does my calendar seem awfully (or should that be wonderfully) full to you?

Tues, 25 October:

Sam's with Kiddo & Shepard to food shop for their party
Dessert, coffee, and a movie with Andy.

Wednesday, 26 October:

"My" day. Shampoo & color hair
Clean up apartment.

Thursday, 27 October:

Cook dinner at Cooper Street
Go to band practice to lend my ear

Friday, 28 Octboer:

The Appointment
Dinner with Andy @ Panera Bread
Freeboot Friday!

Saturday, 29 October:

Breakfast & grocery shopping
Yard work
In-laws arrive - coffee & dessert @ Cooper Street

Sunday, 30 October:

Church
Lunch w/in-laws
Shan&Shep's Party

31 October:

Work half day
Lunch with Andy
Joint counseling session

November 1-12:

1st: Dinner with in-laws
2nd: David Crowder, Shane & Shane, (and someone else)concert
3rd: Band practice
4th: Dinner with in-laws
5th: I'd like to go to the Home Show at the convention center...(?)
6th: Autocross in New Bern with another couple from church
11th: Beach trip with Andy
12th-13th: Trip to Charlotte with Beth (Rennaisance Festival!)

Complaining? Am I complaining? Not really. But bear in mind that on top of everything else (to include working more than full time), I am attempting to read two books, one fiction and one non-fiction; plus two devotionals, one fiction and one non-....oh, wait. Maybe I -am- too busy. However, I wish to make one thing perfectly clear: I will not purchase a PDA! Ever!

Just for Fun..

Certainly you know it is no fun to be at home sick. Just in case someone else is suffering as I am, I will post this entry in the interest of entertainment purposes, only.

Maxine for President!

It makes perfect sense to me. Maxine is obviously a patriot:

Plus, her age gives her insight & wisdom that I for one believe is seriously lacking in the White House. Here are a few of Maxine's thoughts on various subjects:

Driver Safety: I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.

Lawn Care: The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless.

Technology Revolution: My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.

Aging: Take birthdays with a grain of salt. It works better if that salt rims the glass of a margarita.

But wait! There's more!

1.Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
2.If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
3.Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

So everyone - join the fastest growing movement in America! Maxine for President!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And while we're at it, here are a few new rules for living:

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the jerk. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge jerk.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic?! I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual.

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

The Ultimate Embrace

I love you Jesus
With all that I am
I give You my life, my heart
And all of my plans....

Holy, holy are You.
Holy, holy Jesus.
Holy, holy are You.
Holy, holy Jesus

Annette Cox wrote that song and this was the first Sunday I had heard it played during a church service. While we sang, the holiness of God was made apparent to me ~ not for the first time, but every time it happens it feels new. Inevitably, my own feelings of unworthiness started their usual overwash and the deflation of my self-esteem began.

God is never surprised by what I do, but He often surprises me. This morning when the deflation started, I saw a white robe and two long white sleeves. The arms within those sleeves enfolded me and pulled me close into a loving and protective embrace. I disappeared inside that hug and eventually trusted enough to rest my head on His chest.


It does not matter that I do not think I deserved the hug. The sacrifice He made for me and His love for me supersedes anything I might ever think. Ever.

Snoopy Writes

Friday night was indeed a dark and stormy night. It didn't start out that way. Oh sure, it was cloudy and every now and again I drove through a few spots of rain, but it wasn't stormy. In fact, sitting outside yesterday evening was quite pleasant. I could tell something was changing, though. The air had an undeniable damp chill and there was a certain unexplainable tension.


Typically, I love stormy nights. The sudden flash of lightning and the distant rumble of thunder that rolls ever closer is thrilling to me. They just feel different than daytime storms. However, these storms did not get cranked up until this morning around 2:30am. To make matters worse, I had gone to bed late and really needed some sleep.

It was sheer folly on my part to believe I would sleep soundly. This past week has been particularly stressful on a personal level and I did not seem to have the ability to shut off my mind. Insomnia was a given but I usually try to remain on the optimistic side of things. So when the storms came crashing through I curled up into a tighter ball and squinted my eyes shut more tightly. As if that would help the situation!


I gave up at 2:47. On top of all the other stresses, I was worried about Luke. The storm had gotten quite noisy and I wanted to make sure he wasn't afraid. As I made my way down the hall I remembered Luke is not the pet who is afraid of storms. Our dear Rush was the storm-timid one. A wave of grief washed over me as I stood in the hallway. I am not used to his absence and still expect to see him when I'm at the house. Luke was fine of course and greeted me with a purry meow that signified his favorite topic of conversation: "Feed me, now." Much to his chagrin I rubbed is sleek black fur and sat down at the Dell to waste some time with the hope that sleep would eventually come back to me.

The rest of the night was spent in a blurry haze of half-dozing and wakefulness. I would feel myself starting to fall asleep and pull myself back awake. There are times when I just cannot allow myself to sleep, and last night was one of those times. However, the sun came up this morning and the day turned out to be a good one.


Aslan was a good kitty late this afternoon. He let me know under no uncertain terms that I needed to take a nap. I gave in to his demands and we spent a snoozeful hour together. He was not sure about letting me get up when I was ready, but I still had things to accomplish during my day so he reluctantly let me go.

The question that lingers in my mind is this: Would I have slept if last night had not been stormy?

Decisions, Decisions

I would never be so presumptuous or pompous as to believe I've done everything the "right" way. My emotions get in the way, followed closely by insecurities and self-doubt. At other times it has been defensive self-preservation that has dictated my actions.

As previously stated, I often based my decisions on what others wanted, needed, or expected. Things have had to change. The neat thing is just about everyone who knows me is applauding this time in my life; considering my own wants and needs first with each decision I have to make.

It is not that I am making all of my choices selfishly. I am still thinking about other people and am sometimes deciding to put someone else first. I have even broken promises I made to myself in consideration of the feelings of others. The people who are closest to me have quietly absorbed any disappointments or hurts they may have experienced over the past three months. This is how they can best be of assistance to me and I see it as an act of true love on their parts.

Think about my children, for example. Shannon has stood by me through this whole ugly separation process, citing that all she wants is for me to be happy. When telling her about my options and weighing each one, she has listened but has not tried to influence my decisions ~ even though I know that inside, she has been battling the desire to speak up.

Pat has not altered his behavior toward me at all. He is glib and slightly standoffish, but I have never doubted his love or support of me. He is who he is and if nothing else he is fiercely loyal to his family and a few friends.

Co-workers and friends have also been quite supportive. Ben, Janis, Robert, Karen, Penny, and Beth to name a few. And my parents, while uncomfortable at first, have proven themselves to be dependable and loving.


And then there is my church. When I moved into my own place, Andy sought comfort from the band and choir. He really had nowhere else to turn and I'm glad he went to them. It made for a few awkward moments when I started going back to church, but guess what I found out?

The entire music department thinks very highly of me and supports what Andy and I are going through. Sure, when I first separated from Andy, I did not know if reconciliation was going to be possible. I am still working on it and grow more hopeful with the passing of time. The great thing is the band members who have made an effort to talk to both of us have mentioned the courage and wisdom of my/our actions.

It goes further than the band and choir. Andy was working on our senior pastor's motorcycle one Saturday and he told Andy something that shocked me. Our pastor said that whenever I was ready, I would be welcomed back to the music department - in any capacity - with open arms. That statement made me cry tears of relief and thankfulness.

And then there is Andy. He has proven himself to be first and foremost my friend. He has allowed me to set my own pace and has willingly walked with me. He has given me all the of the time to myself I could possibly want, to the extent of taking it in stride when I changed plans at the last minute. If I wanted to remain silent it was fine. Talk only about the weather? Okay. Delve into deeper things? Sure. He has completely understood the need for me to make my life all about me for the time being. Not only that, but he has lovingly told me that no matter what happens in the future, reconciliation or not, he will support me and remain my friend. I believe him.

So, even though I have done a lot of stumbling and made several false starts; even though I have been indecisive and elusive; even though I have caused a lot of people to experience pain, the overwhelming support is enough evidence to show me that I'm doing pretty okay.