Decisions, Decisions

I would never be so presumptuous or pompous as to believe I've done everything the "right" way. My emotions get in the way, followed closely by insecurities and self-doubt. At other times it has been defensive self-preservation that has dictated my actions.

As previously stated, I often based my decisions on what others wanted, needed, or expected. Things have had to change. The neat thing is just about everyone who knows me is applauding this time in my life; considering my own wants and needs first with each decision I have to make.

It is not that I am making all of my choices selfishly. I am still thinking about other people and am sometimes deciding to put someone else first. I have even broken promises I made to myself in consideration of the feelings of others. The people who are closest to me have quietly absorbed any disappointments or hurts they may have experienced over the past three months. This is how they can best be of assistance to me and I see it as an act of true love on their parts.

Think about my children, for example. Shannon has stood by me through this whole ugly separation process, citing that all she wants is for me to be happy. When telling her about my options and weighing each one, she has listened but has not tried to influence my decisions ~ even though I know that inside, she has been battling the desire to speak up.

Pat has not altered his behavior toward me at all. He is glib and slightly standoffish, but I have never doubted his love or support of me. He is who he is and if nothing else he is fiercely loyal to his family and a few friends.

Co-workers and friends have also been quite supportive. Ben, Janis, Robert, Karen, Penny, and Beth to name a few. And my parents, while uncomfortable at first, have proven themselves to be dependable and loving.


And then there is my church. When I moved into my own place, Andy sought comfort from the band and choir. He really had nowhere else to turn and I'm glad he went to them. It made for a few awkward moments when I started going back to church, but guess what I found out?

The entire music department thinks very highly of me and supports what Andy and I are going through. Sure, when I first separated from Andy, I did not know if reconciliation was going to be possible. I am still working on it and grow more hopeful with the passing of time. The great thing is the band members who have made an effort to talk to both of us have mentioned the courage and wisdom of my/our actions.

It goes further than the band and choir. Andy was working on our senior pastor's motorcycle one Saturday and he told Andy something that shocked me. Our pastor said that whenever I was ready, I would be welcomed back to the music department - in any capacity - with open arms. That statement made me cry tears of relief and thankfulness.

And then there is Andy. He has proven himself to be first and foremost my friend. He has allowed me to set my own pace and has willingly walked with me. He has given me all the of the time to myself I could possibly want, to the extent of taking it in stride when I changed plans at the last minute. If I wanted to remain silent it was fine. Talk only about the weather? Okay. Delve into deeper things? Sure. He has completely understood the need for me to make my life all about me for the time being. Not only that, but he has lovingly told me that no matter what happens in the future, reconciliation or not, he will support me and remain my friend. I believe him.

So, even though I have done a lot of stumbling and made several false starts; even though I have been indecisive and elusive; even though I have caused a lot of people to experience pain, the overwhelming support is enough evidence to show me that I'm doing pretty okay.