One More About Memorial Day

I watched the flag pass by one day,
It fluttered in the breeze.
A young Marine saluted it,
And then he stood at ease..

I looked at him in uniform
So young, so tall, so proud,
With hair cut square and eyes alert
He'd stand out in any crowd.

I thought how many men like him
Had fallen through the years.
How many died on foreign soil
How many mothers' tears?

How many pilots' planes shot down?
How many died at sea?
How many foxholes were soldiers' graves?

No, freedom isn't free.

I heard the sound of Taps one night,
When everything was still,
I listened to the bugler play
And felt a sudden chill.

I wondered just how many times
That Taps had meant "Amen,"
When a flag had draped a coffin.
Of a brother or a friend.

I thought of all the children,
Of the mothers and the wives,
Of fathers, sons and husbands
With interrupted lives.

I thought about a graveyard
At the bottom of the sea
Of unmarked graves in Arlington.

No, freedom isn't free.

Memorial Day

While at church this morning I spent some time thanking God for bringing my Dad home from the Vietnam conflict. Then I prayed for those who have loved ones that never came home...or who won't come home, and for the ones who have friends & family who are on foreign shores. Finally, I whispered words for the brave souls who are serving our country. They merit our most fervent prayers. And our heartfelt gratitude.

Coincidence!

The work of fiction I have been reading has been rather slow. The fact that I should have finished it two months ago may be indicative of its level of interest. It is a good thing I am stubborn and refuse to put down a book once I start reading it. Finally, about half way through, the novel has started to pick up! Yesterday, I came across this paragraph:

Connie was a woman forty-two years old, a former detective in sex crimes with the Chicago Police Department. Three years ago she had moved to Houston when her husband's empoyer, an engineering company, transferred him down to corporate headquarters. The mother of two high-schoolers, she had deep red hair, an Irish sense of humor, and a no bullshit attitude about the jobs she worked for Arnette.

I read the excerpt to Pat. He quipped, "I guess that will make the blog?" After 24 hours of considering the possibility, I decided to do it.

Hence, this post.

I Think I Understand...

..from where my daughter is coming when she talks about wanting to get away from this smallish town and its smallish minds:

Tune me in to the wild side of life
I'm an innocent young child sharp as a knife
Take me to the garrets where the artists have died
Show me the courtrooms where the judges have lied


Let me drink deeply from the water and the wine
Light coloured candles in dark dreary mines
Look in the mirror and stare at myself
And wonder if that's really me on the shelf



And each day I learn just a little bit more
I don't know why but I do know what for
If we're all going somewhere let's get there soon
For this song's got no title just words and a tune




Take me down alleys where the murders are done
In a vast high powered rocket to the core of the sun
Want to read books in the studies of men
Born on the breeze and die on the wind



If I was an artist who paints with his eyes
I'd study my subject and silently cry
Cry for the darkness to come down on me
For confusion to carry on turning the wheel


And each day I learn just a little bit more
I don't know why but I do know what for
If we're all going somewhere let's get there soon
For this song's got no title just words and a tune

The Mommy Forcefield

It has been an intriguing evening. After having dinner, Andy and I found ourselves at the town commons. A worship gathering was taking place there and my curiosity got the best of me.

You see, there was a time when I was involved in this group. I became aware of this weekly gathering when kiddo began attending regularly and then started dating the leader. He is nice enough and was very good for kiddo. I believe she was good for him, too. But as often happens in young people relationships, it all went south - and much further south than when it all began.

So, here we are at the end of May. In one more month I can mark the end of what I have decided to call "a very hard" year. It seems every 3 to five years our family experiences said "very hard" year.

Andy's and my difficulties have been chronicled here. Some of kiddo's have been, too. You see, this was the year she decided to strike out on her own and make her way in the world. Yes, she started small. Greenville is no metropolis - but it is plenty large enough for a 19 year old to stretch her wings a little.


In moving out from under the immediate care of her parents, Kiddo has learned some hard lessons about life and consequences. Some of the consequences have been her own doing. Others she has had to suffer due to the words and deeds of others (her parents included). She found herself 'out there' mostly on her own and it has not been pretty or easy for her.

A lot of the hurt she has endured - which has also caused struggles in her walk with God - has been at the hands of people who are regular attendees of these weekly worship gatherings. Most of them are adults who are my age or older, yet they seem to have forgotten what it was like to be a teenager. They do not consider where a person might be in their walk with Christ. And apparently they fail to realize how much damage their words can do. Maybe it is just me, but people in their middle 30's and beyond should have grown up enough to have grasped the idea that not everyone is the same and it doesn't make those who are different "bad" - they are just...different.

Kiddo was at the gathering tonight, too. Andy and I tried to give her space. We were there mostly to observe and absorb whatever God had for us. What I gleaned from Him tonight was a hard word: It is time to fully remove the Mommy Forcefield. At some point tonight, my kiddo separated herself from the rest of the group and sat off to the side alone. Andy and I were some distance away, but my first thought was to get to her in case she was struggling and wanted to talk. My second thought was to protect her from anyone who might try to approach her and conceivably do her more harm.

A strange thing happened on my way to her side (rescue?). God stopped me. I got within maybe 20 yards of her and stopped dead in my tracks. From there, I watched and prayed and realized that kiddo needs to get over...get past...all that has happened to her, and she will have to do it on her own with God's help.

And I do, too.

So, I sat where I was and prayed. It was then that I realized it has not been easy for me to watch from a distance as my daughter has made decisions that ultimately caused her harm. It has been almost impossible for me to let it all happen and not run to her side every time she experienced a little owie. It was then that I had the thought about the Mommy Forcefield. I cannot protect my children from life forever. In truth, I never really could. I am a mere human, and from the beginning of their lives I have said my children are in God's more than capable hands.

It is time for me to put that belief into action. From this time forward, I shall endeavor to stay in my children's peripheral vision. They will know I am available to them, but I will not force my presence - and all that comes with it - onto them any longer. And in letting them go, I will be letting them grow.

Apologies

To my readers:

I know I have been quiet lately. It is not that I do not have things to share. The truth is, I do not have the energy, and in the case of one blog entry, I have not yet completed the composition in my head, let alone on "paper." The next few posts will probably be fluffy funny stuff to see us through the next week or so.

I do want to say that the latest (and last) round of testing, while it was touch and go for awhile, turned out negative, which is very positive! I go back in a mere 6 months for a follow up.

Please bear with me. I appreciate your commitment ... (commitment?) to my journey.

Just How Silly Am I, Anyway?

Andy purchased a new-to-him guitar amp last week. It is actually a 70's model, vintage Musicman. Musicman amps were designed and manufactured by Leo Fender. Eric Clapton played with one for ages. Anyway, Andy has torn it apart and replaced the tubes and cleaned it all up. Earlier this evening he was playing his guitar in the livingroom. It was fine for awhile but it got to the point where I need some quiet. Or at least, a quietER setting.

Out the back door I went, hoping to sit on the deck in the cool of the evening. I often enjoy listening to birdsong or watching the trees move in time to the breeze. These activities are among my favorite for relaxation purposes. Of course, I need to be more realistic. I live in a housing development that is on a main street in a suburb of Greenville. The sound of traffic is usually the music I encounter whenever I venture out of doors. It drowns out nearly all other auditory stimuli.


However, today was different! Upon wandering out onto the deck and settling into my favorite rocker, I closed my eyes and heard ... a leaf blower. It was so loud I could not hear the familiar drone of cars as they (literally) sped by. But wait! There was more!!


Somewhere in the not-so-distant distance I caught the distinct sound of the lid to a gas grill being dropped back into place. You read that correctly. The lid had to have been opened and then just let go, allowed to slam back into its normal closed position....every ten seconds. I am not exaggerating. Every ten seconds, ka-WHAM! Or did it sound more like a CLUNK!? Add whatever you need to in order to give the sound the necessary metallic clang and you will have as near to an exact replication as possible.

I sat there for a few moments and then inserted my fingers into my ears. I kid you not. I put my fingers in my ears and with every fiber of my being resisted the overwhelming urge to scream, "Would you stop slamming the lid to that grill! And pull the plug on that blasted leaf blower, why don'tcha?!"

*Takes a deep breath*

And then...the dog in the yard adjacent to ours decided it was time to play with his new squeaky toy. "Squeak-a, Squeak-a, Squeak, Squeak, Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak, Squ.." Oh good grief almighty!! I should have known better than to think I could find quiet outside at that time of day.

At this point there was nothing to do but laugh. Doing so, I gave up and went back inside. By that time, Andy had put away his guitar. After dinner I pulled up some celtic music and sipped coffee. It wasn't a bad salvage attempt, if I do say so myself!

(And I just did!)

ACK!

Blogger is having issues with picture loading. This event puts a serious cramp in my blogging style. As soon as Blogger resolves their difficulties, I shall be back.

Friday

Hey!

Does anyone remember the Bay City Rollers?
S - a
t - u - r
d - a - y
Night!

I don't know why I thought of this 70's group who made a big splash in Japan a decade later, but I did. The memory kept a smile on my face for most of my drive home from work on Tuesday. Pretty cool, huh?

I got this email from a friend of mine this week. It made me smile, too.

Five tips for a woman:

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

This person has often made me smile in a gentle way. I hardly know her, but that makes little difference. There is something very special about her and I wish I knew her better, though I wonder if that will ever happen. She has done a perfectly understandable bit of a disappearing act lately. I miss her. She occasionally left comments here and I visited her space regularly. That's right. She made both of my "blog cuts." That must tell you something.

This person has disappeared as well. This is not the first time he has gone undercover, but I do believe it is the last. He has rescued my daughter from time to time and I daresay he has, in a way, rescued me. I do not know if we were good for each other, though. Still, he is another of the intriguing people who have crossed my path and I miss him, too. I hear he is doing well. That makes me smile. Better to miss him and know he is happy than the alternative.


I saw her today! The reasons behind her phone call and visit weren't all that great. She had a rough day. While that wasn't a reason for me to smile, the fact that she called me when she was feeling stressed was. There have been several "pop-ins" lately which is also seriously cool.

I suppose my point is that if we look, we will find little joy spots in every day. Even though my doctor's appointment yesterday was not wonderful and has left me with another week's wait, there is always a reason to smile.

What made you smile this week?

FYI

Just in case any of you ever wonder whether any event in the recent past has altered my opinion...

God has blessed me with a beautiful, compassionate, intelligent, and incredibly talented daughter. In spite of everything...Because of everything. Her Dad and I are proud of her. We both believe that when she comes into her own, she will be a force to be reckoned with.

I love you, beautiful Shannon!

Self Improvement

For the past two days I have been transferring old bookkeeping & payroll files from dusty, falling apart boxes to a file cabinet that I was finally able to secure after two years of asking. The county (state?) requires us to save the files for five full years. I don't have a problem with that. I do have a problem with my pack-rat boss insisting we keep them beyond that time. Quite simply, we do not have the space.


Because I am, in her opinion, performing in a less than stellar manner in the areas of accepting supervision, following rules & procedures, and am in need of self improvement, (every time I hear, say, or read that I think of Herbie the elf from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer who needed "elf improvement") I sought the counsel (supervision?) of my boss. I informed her I was aware of the 5-year rule and asked about the procedure for discarding the records older than that.

Guess what?! She didn't know! To my way of thinking, I would need to shred anything with a social security or account number on it. The rest can be discarded in a dumpster. At least, that is what makes sense to me. The first thing she wanted to do was call our payroll clerk & ask him. Everso gently, I suggested the assistant head of finance. She called and got voice mail. Then the boss said she has a finance notebook that she could reference and probably find the answer. When I stepped out of her office for just a minute she was reaching for it. When I stepped back in, she had already allowed herself to be distracted by something else and I was invisible.

I must remain patient. Because of my continuing self-improvement efforts I will seek her counsel one more time before forging ahead on my own. Whether that means calling the asst. head of finance myself or going ahead with my plan has not yet been determined. No wonder I stay frustrated. Her changing and/or not knowing the 'rules and procedures.' keeps me running behind schedule. There are times when I really am smart enough to supervise myself. Ya know?

ponderings plus

Perhaps what I was trying to convey in my previous post was this: if we know the person with whom we are having difficulties, we need to consider what we know about them. What would their motives truly be? What are they truly trying to say? Emotions can be just as terrible as they can wonderful. They often rule the day much to our regret later. Yes, we need to give people the benefit of the doubt. We need to actively, naturally assume the best about people. (Seventy times seven?)

God, help me do this very thing.

ponderings

While engaged in a conversation with someone today a strange chord was struck and I became painfully aware, once again, of perspective and how it can differ from person to person. One party may see things in a very clear cut manner. Conversely, the other party may have a crystal clear perspective that is a complete opposite. Is there one "right" or "wrong" in these situations?

I say no. In fact, there are multiple perspectives to just about any situation. This is why I am not an advocate of black and/or white, left and/or right points of view. Yes, there are some absolute truths, but if we were to really think about it we would realize that life is dealt with mostly in shades of grey. We feel our way through this fog of grey as best we can, remembering that we do not walk this journey alone and everything we say and do can positively or negatively affect the people around us. The majority of the time the people around us are those we care about most.

Are you in a place of hurt right now? Did someone say or do something that bothered you? If so, did it happen exactly as you remember? Do you think the other person sees it the same way you do? Perhaps the emotional and/or psychological split was not as one-sided as you may think.

In fact, it probably wasn't.

A Public Thank-You

To HER

You remember her, don't you? Yes, she is my boss. My illustrious leader. The champion of our cause. The tie that binds, the glue that holds us together, and the velcro of our organization...who is slowly making all of us fall apart. Today someone actually asked me if I thought she had finally gone completely off the deep end.

I digress.

Today I received my yearly evaluation. It was due on April 24th. Nevermind. It was dated May 12th and today is May 16th. Nevermind. The thing to mind is this: For the first time in twelve years I received less than a perfect eval.

Okay people, let us remember Connie is a perfectionist when it comes to herself and her performance. She did not get an A+++! Is she stressing? No, she is annoyed. Let us consider Connie's evaluation. Want to? Sounds like great fun to me!

Item 1: Less-than-perfect marks on "Follows rules and procedures." First, it is awfully hard to follow rules and procedures when they change every stinkin day! Secondly, some of them are just plain stupid so yeah, I may fight against them from time to time. However, I ultimately do as she demands, stupid or not, last minute change or not. So why the below superior rating?

Item 2: Below superior on "Works well under pressure." Well. This is the one item that I can actually accept as partially true. Still, me being who I am, I have something to say about it. (A) Just who is creating the pressure and (B) at least I do not yell at people and pound on tables when I feel pressured. Guess who does that? Hm?? If she is allowed to relieve pressure in that manner, why can't I relieve it in my way? Mine isn't nearly as mentally/emotionally harmful to the other employees. And she wonders why our climate survey always comes out so low in the area of morale!

Item 3: Less-than-perfect marks for "works on self-improvement." Now wait just a cotton pickin minute! First of all, I attended a 10 hour class on first aid and CPR this year so that I could be a first responder, which I was less than thrilled to do but she asked so I did it. Secondly, I requested that I be allowed to attend a workshop to help me better my skills with our bookkeeping program and she refused to let me go! Now, whose fault is this one?

Item 4: Below superior on "Accepts Supervision." You have GOT to be kidding! First of all, consider the source. What can she teach me? How to be late for every meeting, miss every deadline, and lose important documentation that can mean the difference between someone being able to keep their job or having to be let go because the supporting documentation is missing? Puh-Leeze. I couldn't do that if I tried! I do accept supervision from those who have something to offer: The 2nd in command, the counselor, and some of the other employees. I have to wonder how she defines "accepts supervision." I can see how, to her way of thinking, this one and Item 1 could be tied together.

No wonder I, and bunch of others, walk around singing our theme song which has a short and very easy lyric, but must be sung in the right tone: I love my job. Today I remembered that she is just silly. There's nothing more to it. She's silly.

Hm. I guess I really don't care. However, I guarantee you I will be making some comments in the provided space on that evaluation.

For Her

Spinning, laughing, dancing
To her favorite song.
A little girl with nothing wrong
Is all alone.




Eyes wide open
Always hopin' for the sun.
And she'll sing a song
To anyone that comes along.




Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just falling to the ground
Without a sound..





Crooked little smile
On her face.
Tells a tale of grace
That's all her own.



~Happy Birthday, Kiddo.~

I love you

Opponent Dependent

My son, the professional poker player (yes, really!), gave me this card:
















The card is pretty neat all by itself. It matches his current lifestyle and everything! But that wasn't all. This is what he wrote in the card:

Opponent Dependent:

If my opponent believes his mom is best but is unsure, I would check and call all streets, so that he can continue to value bet the 2nd best mom without me scaring him off.

If my opponent does not believe his mom is best but feels he can bet me off my mom, I'll bet small and give him the opportunity to raise.

In the unfortunate event my opponent does have a better mom than me, then I go broke, rap the table and say, "nice mom," for my mom is far too good to fold.

That, my dear readers, even brought tears to his Dad's eyes.


"Someone said your mother knows you love her, so you don't have to tell her.
'Someone' was never a mother."

A Mother's Thoughts...

Before I was a Mom, I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed.
Before I was a Mom I cleaned my house each day.
I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.


Before I was a Mom I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Spit on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.
I slept all night.


Before I was a Mom I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.



Before I was a Mom I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put it down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that some thing so small could make me feel so important and happy.


Before I was a Mom I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love,
the heartache, the wonder or the satisfaction
of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much
before I was a Mom.