Avoidance

It's a good word. We do it all the time but rarely admit to it. I don't know about you, but sometimes I justify avoidance by saying that I deal with stuff one thing at a time or that I am in the process of prioritizing.

Take church, for example. I have not gone for almost three months. I am not prioritizing anything. I am dealing with something, though. I am trying to get over the fact that I can no longer play guitar. I hear Andy practicing the song list for each Sunday and most of the time the songs are ones that I really enjoy playing. It is very difficult for me to hear him play and know that the longest I can hold a guitar without pain is five minutes. Therefore, the mere thought of going to church and not playing reduces me to tears. If I cannot even write about this without crying, how am I supposed to actually do it and not cry?

I am avoiding church. Church Avoidance. I have a raging case of it. Of course, this also means that I am suffering from "Deal With It" Avoidance, as well. Worse, I am doing it to myself.

Different people have talked to me about this situation. They have given me logical arguments for the positive side of my predicament. Yes, I see not being able to play guitar as a predicament. Anyway, some people have told me that this could be a time of rest, refilling, and/or listening. That's a good one. It really is. Then there are the people who have the thought that maybe God wants me to do something new so guitar has to be put away. I could handle that if I had a desire to do anything else, but I really don't. And then...there is the off chance that maybe I am putting guitar before God. I might believe that argument if I had been spending every waking moment of my spare time playing, but that is not the case.

I am mad. No, that's not strong enough. Livid is a good word. The question is: WHY? The way I see it, God put this love of music inside me. It is He who gave me whatever little talent I may have. I don't see God as a Person who "takes things away" without also making it okay in someone's spirit. If He wanted me to do something new, He would plant a new desire in me. At least, that's the way I see it. I do not think He sets out to make us hurt ~ and that is what is happening to me. I am hurting. And I have been for a long time.

It is not that I want to sit here in this spot and stay hurt and angry. I suppose I am sitting here waiting for God to do something about it. I realize that I should be doing things, too. I should be praying. I should be searching for answers. I should be listening. At the very least, I could go to church.

I am so tired of crying over this thing. If I avoid church, I can also avoid tears. For the time being, that sounds like a good idea.