Confusion. It's Nothing New.

I do not understand how I am feeling. I miss Andy and want to be near him. Yet, when in an ordinary setting like our house I become nervous & uncomfortable. Especially during silences.

Perhaps I am uncomfortable with myself when I am around others. I have been discovering things about myself and feel as though I am on my way to being psychologically and emotionally healthy. My discoveries are new however and I have always been far too easily influenced by others. Because of this a general mistrust and fear of most people has developed.

Circumstances have arisen recently that have caused me to second-guess my reactions and responses. One thing I have held onto these past two months is this: You cannot help your feelings, but you do have control over how you choose to deal with them.

I become angry and defensive when people try to tell me they know what I am thinking. Let's face it: those people are usually wrong! Why then do I ask myself questions like, "Why does Andy want me back? I wouldn't want me back." Only God and Andy know what is in his heart and mind. I have neither any business nor any right to question his desires.

Andy has been brutally honest: Being single is easier. Sometimes much easier. I tend to agree. However, easier isn't necessarily better.

To what does all this boil down? I still do not know what I want. Well, that isn't entirely true. The truth is I am not certain that I can make what I want work for me. And of course I am considering the other people in my life. It is not my place to determine what is best for them or decide for them what it is they want. My role in this process is to get well, make some decisions for myself and then figure out a practical way to put those decisions into practice while somehow fitting the other people into my puzzle.

*sigh*

Life can certainly be a mess.