My Final Say

I am hurt and angry, which is okay. I am also leaning heavily on Christ in an attempt to keep myself from committing sin while processing this anger. And before I get too deeply involved in this entry, I want to say for the record that it was not my intention for my earlier posts regarding Shannon and the state of the church to be regarded as blanket statements. I spoke in generalities in order to refrain from naming particular names. Would it have been better if I had? Think about how you would feel if one of the names were yours. This entry will also be spoken in generalities because it goes much deeper...much further than Shannon. Also, let it be clear that I include myself in this, my final say.

It is difficult to know where to begin. There are a multitude of thoughts colliding in my mind. Sorting them out has been my reluctant task, and I have barely scratched the surface. As a disclaimer of sorts let me say there isn't a mother around who would not jump to the defense of her child(ren). This in no way implies the mother is blind, deaf, and dumb to her offspring's struggles and/or shortcomings or lacks the ability to be objective. On a more personal level, I will admit that I have spent the last six years telling my daughter that she is free to make certain decisions on her own, but must be willing to bear the consequences of those decisions. Have I agreed with all of her decisions? I have not. And much to Shannon's chagrin, I have been very open with my opinions. That is my right as her mother. However, the biggest consequence she has suffered has been unfair judgment based upon her appearance and outspoken honesty. I don't think anyone could rightfully blame me for being hurt and angry. And even with that I struggle. Shannon must learn to deal with these consequences. Personally, I think "the church" (more than one place) has been harder on her than necessary. Harder on her than they would ever want someone to be on them. "The world" has been accepting of her appearance, her outspoken personality, and her faith in Christ. I think there is something very wrong with that. Wrong to the point that it hurts me. I hurt beyond family ties. I hurt for the church and for those who desperately need the good things the church has to offer. It only makes sense that a Christ follower would be accepted by their own kind and shunned by the world. Sadly, that has not been the case. Sadder still is the fact that this type of behavior from the church is wide-spread and rampant.

It is also painful that I have lost respect for so many people. People in whom I entrusted my daughter's mental and spiritual well-being. Say or think what you want, but the truth is a mother's influence begins to wane as her children mature. Other's opinions and actions are more powerful than mama's. Later in life, the words of a parent regain their prominent position. Sadly, it often happens after a lot of damage has been done. Sometimes, too much damage.

The church is poor. Destitute. Don't misunderstand me. The church is full of people, money, knowledge, and resources, but needy in the areas of outreach, true love, acceptance, and a level playing field. It is a shame to be poor in the things that are most needed, don't you think?

This whole overly dramatic scenario has caused me to examine my own motives. It can be a very painful process, but it is also a necessary one. Am I taking these attacks personally? Do I see it as a slur on my abilities as a parent? The answer to those questions is no. I am angry because a genuine wrong has been done here. It is something that I have seen happen to countless people and now includes my daughter. It is something for which the church as a whole is very guilty. And yes, I consider myself a member of the chuch. Therefore, I too am guilty.

I know it is true of society in general, but I want to focus on the Christian culture: We are absolutely obsessed with appearance. It should come as no surprise to any of you that my favorite Scripture is 1Samuel 16:7:

But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have rejected him; for God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

The fact of the matter is no one sees the heart of another. If we were to be totally honest with ourselves, we would readily admit we don't even know our own hearts. This being true, we could say without shame that there is no possible way we could know the heart of our spouse, children, or friends, let alone the heart of an acquaintance.

Worse still is painting our own picture about someone based solely on hearsay. The unique and individual painting of a person is a life-long mural that none but God can see in its entirety. Because of this, it is ultimately important to remember that without Christ we are worthy of judgment, but by the same token being with Him does not give us the right to judge.

This is usually the place where people bring up the "fruit inspector" analogy. What can we see when we look at a piece of fruit? The outside. The peel. The appearance, hair style, jewelry, and make-up. Kiwi has a very strange peel, doesn't it? My first thought upon looking at it is not, "Oooh, I want to eat that! It looks yummy!" It is only in peeling away the rind that we see the meat of the fruit. Kiwi tastes unique. It is a one-of-a-kind delicious fruit. Now then, while it is true that some fruit is rotten from the core and eventually makes the peel look bad, most of the time if a piece of fruit is bruised, it is caused by outside influence. It has been bumped into by another piece of fruit, handled too roughly, or just plain dropped.

One would expect the church to heal the bruises - or at least be the ones who cut away the rind in order to get to the sweet juicy meat on the inside. From what I've seen in my many years as a Christ follower is that the church is every bit as guilty of causing those bruises as the "outside influences." In this case I'll use new grass as my illustration. If you have ever planted grass you know how careful you must be when it first comes up. You can't step on it or you'll crush, uproot, and kill it. New grass requires watering, food, and nurturing in order to survive. You have to be careful with fertilizer so as not to burn it, and if you weed it too soon you'll tear it out with the weeds. Further, different varieties of grass grow at different rates. Much like people and their walk with Christ. It is our job as the more seasoned veterans to know which variety of grass we're looking at when we see a fellow believer.

Have you ever cried out in despair, frustration, anger and/or pain? Have you ever done that with someone you thought you could trust but in the end found out you couldn't? It hurt, didn't it? Not only have I experienced it, but I have also caused that type of pain. As a Christ-follower, it is my job to put a salve....a balm...on that kind of pain. Not be the source of it. A brother or sister should feel safe with me. Safe to be real. Human. To hurt. Need. Love. Or speak.

So for just a moment I would like to peel away the rind on Shannon's fruit, just to see what I can find. I see a young lady who willingly accepts people for who they are, no matter where they are. Many times this has been done at her emotional and financial expense, but she keeps doing it. She falls back to regroup - but not to the church because they don't understand how/why she does what she does - and then gets right back in the trenches to do it again. Shannon takes these wounded outcasts and loves them. She shares her faith. She tells them why she is able to love them when it seems no one else does. Is she perfect? No. But neither am I. Has she stumbled? Yes. But so have I. The hard truth is at least she is doing something. She is trying. A lot of believers don't, when it is clear that our calling is to go out and bring them in. All of them. Regardless of what they look, smell, sound, or act like. Sometimes in order to gain their trust we have to look and smell like them, too. Not all of us are called to do that - It is our responsibility to support the ones who are.

The appearance of Shannon's lifestyle may not be customary, pretty, or acceptable by church standards. I am certain that Shannon is among many Christ followers who do what she does and believe and feel as she does. It is the church's job to look beyond the appearance to the motive & to see if we can get a tiny glimpse of the heart behind what is being done. It is the church's job to keep the fighters of the faith who are in the jungle...or the desert...built up & strong by giving support and love. Even when they stumble. Even when they prove again and again that they are imperfect humans...just like the rest of us.

I have been fortunate to find a circle of believers within my church-and a few outside of it-that truly love me no matter what. I can be real and totally honest with them. I can say what I need to say from whichever emotion is present at the time and they don't freak out on me. I know I can trust them not to judge or talk slanderously about me because they've proven it time and again. Very recently, as a matter of fact. To me, these people represent Christ.

You see, we tend to look for God inside people for the love & hope we desperately need because they are tangible and God is not. Being fallible humans, there are times when we need something tangible. I am fortunate in that I have found that tangibility both within my church and without. Others are not as blessed as I am...yet. We as brothers and sisters can make a difference in this area.

I have learned a lot over the past several months. I wish parts of me could be more like Shannon. She has no fear - she's not intimidated or ashamed to reach out. I want to be more like those in my circle who are ultimately trustworthy. I want to show more love; true love. Sacrificial love. I want to love when it is seemingly impossible.

I have long been an advocate of being a part of the solution to the church's challenges rather than part of the problem. I hope to find out just how to put that desire into action. I think I've gotten an inkling. I am a Christ follower. I want to be a team player. And I don't mean a team player for just my local congregation. I mean I want to play on the entire, eternal team. I am certain that in His time God will clue me in on the position He wants me to play. Until then I will love. I will pray. I will refrain from judgment and evil speaking. It won't be easy! But with my eyes in the right place - on Him and on myself and the work that needs to be done there - it is possible. It is even possible to be angry and not sin.