More from YOU

(chapter three)

Yes, I'm still reading Ed Young's book entitled YOU! I have been distracted by 4 works of fiction but now they are finished and I find myself wanting to read non-fiction. You know, little insignificant things like this book on self esteem, my new Joyce Meyer devotional, and The Message's translation of Job. I will be posting some thoughts regarding Job, but wanted to give you a brief outline of the third chapter of You!, first. Remember I italicize direct quotes from the author.

God does neat things with timing. If I had read this chapter even a month ago it wouldn't have the same application for me that it has now. Even more nifty is how it aligns with my recent weightier entries. You'll see as you read. I hope you get something out of it.

We're all carrying baggage through life. Our baggage is packed with words and experiences that have splintered our self-esteem. Since the goal with this book is to move beyond how outside influence has ruined our self-perception, every avenue needs to be explored. I do not believe in the old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." We all know that just isn't true! I don't see any reason why we should continue to hide behind those untrue & worn-out sayings rather than deal with the issues. We've all tried to live in denial of our feelings and it is simply not productive. The path to the root of a poor self-concept is a rough one, but it is necessary. As Young states: With God's help, we'll find out how to identify the things from our pasts that continue to negatively impact our lives. If we can identify them, they can no longer hurt us. We can move past them and actually grow up and into the person God intended. Sounds great to me!

Many people are trying to cover up bangs, dents, and broken pieces that are undetectable to the naked eye. To God, however, our damage is obvious. Each of us has acquired what[Young calls]scar issue. Scar tissue is comparatively slight and superficial. A scar issue, on the other hand, damages a foundational aspect of our lives - our self-esteem - and it has far reaching effects. Often I have asked people who they are hiding from. We cannot hide from God and we are not nearly as good at hiding from each other as we think we are. How many times has a person walked away from us after a conversation and we've thought: "That person has issues!" Most of the time, those issues are scar issues. The question we need to ask ourselves is do we want to help a person or hurt them? Naturally the majority of us will answer 'help.' The question is HOW?

All of us have scarred and wounded self-esteem, but the degree of scarring varies for each person. We [have the tendency to] allow those wounds to cause trauma and drama in our lives for years. Sometimes for the rest of our lives. But what is it that scars our self-esteem? Scar issue has two basic causes: words others say to us and words we say to ourselves.

I think one of the hardest things to process is this fact: the words that cause injury to our self-esteem often come from people we know and trust. The Bible is clear about the power of negative words. There are many Scriptures in Proverbs regarding words and James is also quite outspoken about them:

But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God. Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. James 3:8-9

While it is painful to think about, we need to deal with some of the verbal junk that continues to mess us up and bog us down.

Assessing the damage to our self-esteem over the years requires a step back in time to identify some of the words that have caused our deepest wounds. During childhood, we establish the foundation on which we build our sense of worth and our confidence. The first people from whome we take our cues on self-esteem are our parents and other childhood authority figures.

First, I want to apologize to my children, students, and anyone else with whom I have come into contact that may have been deeply scarred by any words I have spoken. Forgive me, please. They were spoken in ignorance. Ignorance is no longer an excuse for me in the area of words.

I am almost certain everyone who reads this blog has an experience from their childhood that has stayed with them through the years. I am even more sure that there is a multitude of experiences. I have one in particular that stayed with me until I was in my 30's and to this day I have to be careful not to let it sneak back in to my self-perception. Back in the day I had very curly hair. It was unruly and coarse. My mother would often quote the following poem to me:

There was a little girl who had a little curl right in the middle of her forehead. And when she was good she was very, very good. (Change to Wicked Witch of the West voice) And when she was bad she was horrid!

I know my mother did not mean anything truly bad by reciting it. I know she didn't expect the poem to hurt me the way it has. Nevertheless, that thing has stuck with me and as stated previously, it took far too long for me to realize that having the words spoken over me didn't make the words true. Young writes: As we grow, we tend to pile harmful phrases on top of one another, put them into a shoulder bag, and carry them aropund with us for the rest of life's journey because we've never leared how to let go.

As for the words we say to ourselves, Young has this to say: First we hear the lies of others that chip away at our self esteem, and once those lies infiltrate our minds and hearts, we start to tell ourselves the very same things. We allow the lies to turn over and over in our minds, affecting the way we think about ourselves, eventually causing us to believe them.

When damaging words others say to us and words we say to ourselves do their dirty work, we play two games to mask our scarred self-esteem. One of them is the comparison game. Our radar constantly scans the horizon, looking for someone or something else with which to compare ourselves.

One of two things will happen to our self-esteem when we play the comparison game. First, we could end up feeling terrible about ourselves. We'll see that someone else lives in a bigger house, drives a nicer car, etc, and we'll feel bitter because we don't or can't have what that person has. We end up placing more emphasis on material possessions or physical attributes than on what God values as most important-the heart.

The other possibility is that we might book ourselves on an ego trip. We will tell ourselves, 'Well, I'm much more generous' or 'I am better looking.' What we fail to see is when we do this is that we're really calling attention to our own insecurities. It's because we want to soothe our own feelings of inadequacy. In a nutshell, it is a vain exercise to try to make ourselves look better by using others as a measuring stick. (See 2 Corinthians 10:12) We must remember to look to God for our worth.

The other game we play in our attempt to mask our scarred self-esteem is the criticism game. We criticize ourselves. For example, Instead of just saying thank you when someone compliments us, we turn those flattering remarks upside down and use them to tear ourselves down. Sometimes, we plant these seeds of criticism in the hope that other people will build us up. At other times we make sure our generosity and good deeds are very visible because it makes us feel like we're good people when others see us doing good deeds. We may genuinely mean well when performing charitable deeds, but deep down we also want recognition from those around us.

We also criticize others in order to give ourselves a shot in the arm. When we see something we disagree with or think is beneath us, we love to point it out. We hope that by criticizing that other persoon or that other group, we'll look better to the people around us.

But it is a dangerous game when we criticize. Negative criticism is just an attempt to cover the festering wounds in our own self-esteem. It also makes a mockery of God's creative genius. We're saying that some of His creation isworth of our admiration while some falls short.

If we are going to take the journey to the center of our worth, we have to let God inspect our baggage. He won't violate or humiliate us, but He will show us for our own good what in our lives is causing damage. God already sees everything; he knows it all. Asking God to inspect your baggage and help you assess the damage will help you move forward, rebuilding and restoring the self-esteem He wants you to have.

When I read this chapter I saw the truth in Young's words. While typing this entry my mind's eye has seen people I've known over the years who exhibited some of the behavior Young describes. I wince as I remember how I've lost patience with them or just dropped them from my circle when my flesh had had enough of their neediness. Little did I realize I must be just as obvious to others as these people were to me. We truly do not have the ability to hide from each other. We are all hurting in some form or other and to varying degrees. It is time we help one another. It is also time we help ourselves by seeking God for the answers to our scar issues rather than spending the rest of our lives in the dark playing the blame game.