Some Interesting Thoughts...

Well, interesting to me, anyway...

Kiddo told me about a conversation she had with her pastor this past Friday night. She gave him a little more detail about my struggle with not being able to play guitar. His comment was something like, "Imagine that - the inability to perform a ministry messing someone up that much." Kiddo then told me her pastor didn't say a whole lot after that. She said he looked thoughtful.

His comment made me think, too. How would a pastor react if he lost the ability to speak? How would Steven Curtis Chapman or Chris Tomlin feel if they could no longer play guitar? What if, God forbid, my daughter lost the ability to dance? How would they respond if they could not perform the ministry they feel God has given them? I would be so bold as to say it would "mess them up", too.

My point is not a defensive one. See, part of my problem has been that I have felt guilty for taking this so hard. I have been beating myself up for being a selfish, whiny little child when I know there are other people out there with worse troubles than mine. Well, guess what? Through Elliotte's comment, I realized that it is okay to grieve this loss. It is okay to feel angry and abandoned. However, it is not okay for me to beat myself up about grieving.

I think that is where I have been stuck. I have constantly been telling myself that I do not deserve to feel the way I do. That was wrong. I most certainly do have a right to feel the negative emotions I have been feeling. I have been in a vicious cycle of grieving and then berating myself for grieving. Beating myself up for my feelings has kept me from processing them. Imagine that.

It is time for that to stop. And guess what? When these thoughts came together in my head, I felt a tiny sliver of peace.

Other good little tidbits:

A friend of mine made a real sacrifice for my sake today. She came to Abundant Life Church with me. I do not want to betray her confidence by giving details. Suffice it to say it was a very difficult thing for her to do, but she did it for me because she cares about me. Wow. Because of her own struggle, I felt I had to stay there when I wanted to run away. I could not leave her there after she had made that sacrifice for me. See how that worked?

AND...I had the distinct pleasure of holding Pastor Elliotte & Melissa's new son for the majority of praise and worship. I think that was a good thing, too. Holding that sweet little one kept me from running out when I had the desire to do that very thing. You know what else?? He spit up on me three times. And it made me laugh. I felt very accepted by that precious bundle ~ and I have the stains on my suit jacket to prove it!!

After church Shannon and Matthew, Andy and I went to Chico's for lunch. We had good conversation and some laughs...the flaring nostril vs. the Shirley Temple sword!!

I forgot a few things at the grocery store yesterday so I went back to Kroger after lunch. It has been such a beautiful day today ~ I wanted to get in a long walk but it was already 2pm so...I decided to walk the majority of the strip mall. What benefits! A brisk pace out in the fresh air and sunshine (absorbing natural vitamin D). I called Kiddo and about 7 minutes later she was beside me.

Well yeah, we shopped! I found a pair of shoes at Shoe Carnival & at Target Kiddo got 2 pair of flip flops and a pair of sunglasses...and I found yet another pair of shoes. (They have been a real weakness of mine lately.) We walked all the way down to Barnes & Noble where I looked for a housewarming gift but couldn't find what I wanted ~ and then treated us to a caramel frapp & a redeye coffee. We had the long walk back to Kroger, and when I got home I tossed on shorts and a tank top. Within a matter of minutes I was lounging in the sun on my deck.

An hour later, I woke up.

Could it be...two good days in a row??

I think I feel the stirrings of hope in my heart.