The Times, They Are a-Changin...

It doesn't take a Crane brother or Freud to figure out I have been issue-laden lately. I am starting to figure it out. (Took me long enough!)

I have come to the conclusion that my life....my very identity, has been defined by the different roles I play. No, this does not make me any different from anyone else. I know that. For some stupid reason, I just thought I was not like everyone else. I would not have the same mid-life (there, I said it..are you satisfied??) troubles that other women my age have because I was..am...ME!

So, what are the roles I play? What are my defining parameters? Wife. Mother. Friend. Office and Co-Worker. Worship Leader. Sister. Daughter. Most assuredly, there are more. I am just too impatient to sit here and think of them.

With that in mind, let us (okay, me) review the past year. (1)My work role changed from teaching assistant to office worker. I made the transition. Some things were easy. Some were more difficult, but I feel mostly successful in that regard. However, the new job created some changes in the area of (2)Friend. I've lost contact with some people that I admired and respected. Some I have managed to hang onto, but the easy rapport is gone. (3)Worship Leader. No need to revisit that disaster. I am no longer serving in that capacity. I no longer have that definition to my existence, so there is an empty spot where "Worship Leader" used to live. This one has been very hard to process and accept. And, there is (4)Mother. My children are grown up. My daughter is soon to stretch her wings and fly the cuckoo's nest. I am not needed as much as I used to be. Sure-Kiddo and I are good friends. In my heart, she is among the few that I have designated as "best". Pat...well, I think he could have moved out years ago. He's here and he's friendly but he doesn't "need" me. A few years ago he needed me a lot. I moved into that role because I had to. I'm the mama. Pat and Julie are apparently a permanent couple. It is a good thing, and I am taking my rightful place in the background. I refuse to be the meddling mother-in-law that everyone hates. (No, they have not set a date!)

So - four defining areas of my life have been redefined. Only one of them was by my own choosing. The other three have left these huge gaping holes in my heart, mind, and sense of purpose.

Who am I (now)? Was I ever really "me" or did I just fit myself into the roles I had to fill? Is that what everyone does? If that is the case, how does 'everyone' else handle this stage of life?

At least I know why I've been depressed. Now I need to figure out what to do about it.